Some Of My Favorite Bill Maher Quotes

“Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.”
Bill Maher

 

“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit!”
Bill Maher

“I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.”
Bill Maher
“The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.”
(The Decider, July 21, 2007)”
Bill Maher
“[F]reedom isn’t free. It shouldn’t be a bragging point that “Oh, I don’t get involved in politics,” as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn’t insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable.”
Bill Maher, When You Ride Alone You Ride With Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism
“New Rule: Gay marriage won’t lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn’t lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are “same sex” marriages. You get married, and every night, it’s the same sex.”
Bill Maher, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer
“Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake–you know, to send the right message to kids.”
Bill Maher, New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer
“Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?”
Bill Maher
“I’ll show you Obama’s birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin’s high school diploma.”
Bill Maher
“There’s an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is “performing the same action over and over, expecting different results.”… Now, I’m no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. …

…Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren’t there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you – do you feel things that you shouldn’t be feeling, like a sense of accomplishment? Do you have trouble organizing words into a coherent sentence? Do you hear voices that aren’t really there? Like, oh, I don’t know, your imaginary friend, Jesus? Telling you to start a war in the Middle East.

Well, guess what? There are a large number of people out there also suffering from the same delusions, because there are Republicans, there are conservatives, and then there are the Bushies. This is the 29 percent of Americans who still think he’s doing “a heck of a job, Whitey.” And I don’t believe that it’s coincidence that almost the same number of Americans – 25 percent – told a recent pollster that they believe that this year – this year, 2007 – would bring the Second Coming of Christ!

I have a hunch these are the same people. Because, if you think that you’re going to meet Jesus before they cancel “Ugly Betty,” then you’re used to doing things by faith. And if you have so much blind faith that you think this war is winnable, you’re nuts and you shouldn’t be allowed near a voting booth.”
Bill Maher

“Don’t get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.”
Bill Maher

“We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.”
Bill Maher
“New Rule: Stop asking Miss USA contestants if they believe in evolution. It’s not their field. It’s like asking Stephen Hawking if he believes in hair scrunchies. Here’s what they know about: spray tans, fake boobs and baton twirling. Here’s what they don’t know about: everything else. If I cared about the uninformed opinions of some ditsy beauty queen, I’d join the Tea Party.”
Bill Maher
“I think religion is a neurological disorder.”
Bill Maher
“Kids. They’re not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.”
Bill Maher
“That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.”
Bill Maher
“Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.”
Bill Maher
“We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It’s overrun with sheep & conformists.”
Bill Maher
“The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.”
Bill Maher
“Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.”
Bill Maher, When You Ride Alone You Ride With Bin Laden: What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism
“I wouldn’t touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can’t figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10”
Bill Maher
“NEW RULE: ‘Kidiots’ Leave the children behind. At least until they learn something. A new study has shown that half of American high schools agree that newspapers should only be able to publish government-approved material. Almost one out of five said people should not be allowed to voice unpopular opinions..This is the first generation after September 11th, who discovered news during a ‘watch what you say’ administration…George W. Bush once asked, ‘is our children learning.’ No, they isn’t. A better question would be, ‘is our teacher’s teaching?”
Bill Maher
“Be out of the mainstream. I’m out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?”
Bill Maher
“You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.”
Bill Maher
“Don’t you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?”
Bill Maher, Does Anybody Have a Problem With That?: The Best of Politically Incorrect
“The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.”
Bill Maher
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.”
Bill Maher, The New New Rules: A Funny Look At How Everybody But Me Has Their Head Up Their Ass
“Idiots must stop claiming that atheism is a religion. Religion is defined as the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power. And atheism is… precisely not that. Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position”
Bill Maher
“If it weren’t for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.”
Bill Maher
“Since the topic is science, the non scientists don’t get a vote. We shouldn’t decide everything by polling the masses. This is the fallacy called Argumentum Ad Numerum, the idea that something is true because great number believe it, as in EAT SHIT, twenty trillions flies can’t be wrong!”
Bill Maher
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