1. Any appliance of any kind.
2. A Swiffer wet or dry mop.
3. A lesbian. It will seem like a great idea. But you’ll fuck it up.
4. Any manner of clothing. Their sizing system is a mystery and you’ll get it wrong.
5. Spanx. You know what the fuck I’m talking about.
6. Any music you don’t want to be forced to listen to on long road trips.
7. Any object she might potentially stab or shank you with. Because she will.
8. Any apron, no matter how cute or funny.
9. An electrolysis gift certificate.
11. Any volume of Ultra Slim Fast.
12. Sporting event tickets. She will see through that shit.
13. A how-to manual for oral sex. Be happy with what you get.
14. Flowers. These are a given, and don’t count as a gift.
15. Any kind of gift card. That’s just half assed.
16. Porn. It’s usually OK, just stay away from the weird stiff. Poop, pee, amputees and midgets have no place in a gift.
17. Any manner of cookbook.
19. Any flick with Chuck Norris in it. I get that they are all awesome, with the exception of Walker Texas Ranger, but she won’t get it.
20. Anal sex toys. If she’s cool with it, she already owns one.