The Dirty List

You have all been asking for it, so here it is.

 

ANAL BOOT

You take a pitcher of beer, everyone spits in it, someone stirs it with his cock and then the mixture is poured through the crack of a man ass into the waiting mouth of the loser of a bet or drinking game.

ANGRY DRAGON

Immediately after you blow your load in a girl’s mouth, smack the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she gets up she’ll look like an angry dragon.

ARABIAN GOGGLES

A seldom-seen maneuver involving the testicles where the satchel is spread wide and placed on the face of the “ride”, thus resting the balls in the gogglee’s eye sockets.

AUTRALIAN DEATH GRIP

The act of grabbing a woman by the haunches/crotch and staring deeply into her eyes until you’re slapped or kissed. A recommended tactic for very crowded bars. Another great opportunity for wagering among friends.

BALD KITTY

A freshly shorn juicy slit.

BEEF CURTAIN

The skanked out remains of the labia stretched like Play-Doh from an hour of jimmy-jam. (aka BEEF DRAPES or MEAT TRAP)

BEER COCK

Occurs when your honey wants some lovin’, buy you are extremely over served and cannot perform your manly duties. Used in a sentence: “I shouldn’t have had that last beer. I think I’!” (Also referred to in some circles as WHISKEY DICK)

THE BISMARK

Another one involving oral sex. Right before you are about to spew, pull out and shoot all over her face. Follow that with a punch and smear the blood and jism together. (aka THE STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE)

BLOCKING THE BOX

You and your pal are double-teaming a chick. He’s got her from behind; you’ve got her mouth. Selfishly, he drops his load in her, thus preventing you from using that input later (aka ACCESS DENIED ERROR, and ROAD CLOSED DUE TO BAD CONDITIONS).

THE BLUMPKIN

You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves having her suck you off while you’re on the shitter.

THE BRONCO

Back to reality with this classic. When you fuck her doggie style, with a tit in each hand, and whisper in her ear: “Your sister likes it this way too.” Also referred to as RODEO SEX.

CAJUN DIP STICK

Take your cock out of her pooper and mix it in the pool of dip spit in the small of her back and then insert. (aka CAJUN HOT STICK and CAJUN LOG)

CHOCOLATE CHA-CHA

Anal Sex. Used in a sentence, “John and George danced the chocolate cha-cha all night.” (aka THE HERSHEY HIGHWAY, RIDING THE DIRT TRAIL, THE THIRD INPUT, and ‘OL ONE EYE )

CHRISTMAS TURKEY CARVER

The act of sitting carefully behind your prone partner, inserting three fingers in her vagina, one in her ass, and voraciously pluming your digits in and out, maintaining a perfect L-bend at the elbow, and using only your rotator cuff as a power pivot. (see also SHOCKER).

THE CIRCUS SEAL

Press the twins to one side of your sack and let them fall from the hole in your BVDs. This should produce a beach ball effect (painting your tool bag is optional). Proceed to straddle your date’s face and pummel her nose with your bag of marbles. This works best when performed with a relative.

CLEVELAND STEAMER

The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.   (aka HAWAIIAN MUSCLE FUCK, PASADENA MUDSLIDE and THE CHILI DOG)  Also known as cracking the window in your room Mid-December and while she is sleeping take a dump on her chest and watch the steam rise.

CONSOLATION PRIZE

When you take a girl home from the bar, thinking you’re going to get laid, and from all of the drinks you’ve been feeding her all night long, she passes out on the bed right before you get your pants off. To get revenge, you jerk off and spray your load all over her back. Even though you lost and didn’t get laid, the satisfaction you got is almost as good, hence the term consolation prize.

THE COYOTE

Occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty skank, and you know you’ve got to give her the slip. However, you realize that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of this situation. Can be very painful. Also can be used as an adjective, “She was Coyote ugly!”  This is were that movie title came from.

CUM DUMPSTER

Refers to a girl who has been around the block quite a few times; hence she is full of cum.

CUM GUZZLING SPERM BURPING BITCH

The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down the back of the girl’s throat, proceed to give her a large cold bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth to create the “Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping” effect. A great way to impress your friends.

DDF

Distance Distortion Factor – refers to someone who may seem attractive from far away but is ugly upon closer inspection, “good from far, far from good.” Used in a sentence: “Whoa, she’s hot…wait a second, ugggh major DDF!”

DAVEY CROCKETT

A sexual maneuver in which you slip a muscle relaxant into your gal’s snizzpod, then slide your head in; thus wearing your partner’s now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap.

DIRTY SANCHEZ

The act of fingering a chick’s corn hole and then wiping the deritus on her upper lip while banging her from behind, thus leaving a trail of shit moustached across her visage.

DIRTY ELVIS

Same as the DIRTY SANCHEZ excempt draw side burns.

DOG IN A BATHTUB

This is the proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl’s ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

DONKEY PUNCH

Banging a girl doggie style and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for it to work correctly, the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens up.

THE DOLPHIN

As your having sex doggy style, pull out and try and stick it in her ass, as she turns her head your hear, eah eah.

THE DOUBLE DIPPER

The “double dipper”…..Stick your finger in one hole and use the same finger for the other hole. The trick is to go back and forth, but be careful, not a lot of people like double-dippers.

DOUBLE FISHHOOK

From the doggie style position, you hook your pinky fingers in her mouth and pull back to achieve deeper penetration.

DOUBLE WISHBONE

The play in which, while in seated 69 position, the man inserts both index fingers into the vagina and both middle fingers into the anus followed by aggressively pulling outwards with both arms. Spitting in anus, while optional, is encouraged for future maneuvers.
THE DUMP TRUCK

A derivation of the GLAZED DONUT, whereby the dump truck driver dumps his “load” all over the chick’s back instead of her ass.

DUTCH OVEN

Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head (and yours as well if you’re into that sort of thing).

DUTCH TREAT

The unexpected result of a DUTCH OVEN gone terribly awry; very messy. (aka GAMBLING AND LOSING)

E.T. PHONE HOME

Next time you’ve got some dumb-ass fuck puppet ready to go, grab her purse and excuse yourself to the can while the drunken whore waits; lost in her own tangled bush. Get her mother’s (or husband’s) phone number from her purse while making fake shit noises. Flush the toilet for effect. Then grab the cordless phone on the way back to bed. As soon as you find yourself stabbing her bucket with your johnny, dial the number and hold the phone near her head with the same hand you’re pulling hair with and bang away. Make sure you mention her name and ask her things like, “Who’s the biggest whore in the world?” and “You like fat cocks up your dirt road don’t you?” Then throw the phone on the bed and tell it’s for her. A nice topper to this maneuver is to take her money and throw her outside nude and lock the door. You might have your own closing. Have fun. Be creative.

THE FISH EYE

Working from behind, you shove your finger in her pooper. Thereupon, she turns around in a one-eyed winking motion to see what the hell you are doing.

FLAMING AMAZON

This one’s for all you pyromaniacs out there. When you’re screwing some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire, then…extinguish the flames with your jizz!

THE FLOPPY DONKEY

A rare entertaining, non-sexual maneuver in which you whip out your saggy dauber and flail it about; preferably in front of some chick’s face.

THE FLYING CAMEL

As she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl; strictly a class move.

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOU

While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits. (Better in her bed)

FUGLY

Fucking Ugly. Used in a sentence: “Damn that bitch was fugly!”

FUMILINGUS

When a man (or woman) performs cunnilingus on a woman and she farts directly in his face.

THE FUR BALL

You’re chomping away at some mighty Zena who has a mane between her legs the size of Lionel Richie’s afro, when a mammoth fur ball gets lodged in your throat. You punch her.

GAME OF SMILES

This game involves men sitting around a circular table and a woman giving random blowjobs underneath the table. Anyone who “smiles” has to buy a round of beer for the rest.

GAYLORD PERRY

Going to only one knuckle during an anal probe is for wimps. Make this famous knuckle-ball pitcher proud and use multiple digits on that virgin corn hole. A minimum of 2 knuckles required (either on one finger or on multiple).

GLAZED DONUT

The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spooing all over her “pastry buns,” thus transforming her rump into the illusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut. (also known as COP’S DELIGHT)

GOING TO THE BULLPEN

The act of fingering the anus prior to having anal sex.; it kind of “paves the way”.

GOLDEN SHOWER

Any form of peeing on a girl. (aka WATERSPORTS)

GOOBIN

One of the many wives had by an old-style Mormon who is not the main wife. The setup usually involves having your one “main” wife and the rest of your other wives who are strictly used for procreation. Hence, “Goobin” – a bin for his goo. Used in a sentence: “Mary’s one of John’s goobins”.

GREEK

The act of using your, “glue stick” (if you know what I’m saying) and gluing your gal’s eyes closed with your man seed. e.g. “Hey guys’ check it out, I just greeked her!” or “Sorry honey, but you asked for the greek salad”

THE GUMMY BEAR

Easily performed on a sleeping grandmother. While the old bag is in a pharmaceutical haze with her teeth in a glass, straddle her wrinkled mug and jam your naughty boy down her throat (through her gums) blowing your jack down her withered esophagus. If she wakes up, just tell her she forgot to take her pills and you were helping her. A fun variation on this is to turn around just as she wakes up, put her dentures in your ass and start screaming at her like a wild talking asshole (which, of course, you are).

HIGH DIVE

The skill of pulling your johnson all the way out of your partner’s hole, and in one motion jamming it home again. Best used in the CORN HOLE technique, but can be very dangerous.

HOT LUNCH

The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a young girl’s mouth.

THE HOUDINI

You are going at it doggy-style until you are just about to come. You then pull out and spit on her back so she thinks that you have. When she turns around, a blast is unleashed into her face and she is left shocked and amazed; wondering how you managed it.

HOT KARL

The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who moments earlier was balls deep in her can. (also know as CORN HOLE)

HOT KARL CANDY CANE

The variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. (also know as SHOCKER)

JELLY DONUT

A derivation of the Bismark. You have punch her in the nose while you are getting head.

JIMMY HAT

You got’s to keep Jimmy covered; because he do spit up!

KENNEBUNKPORT SURPRISE

The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunk-style New England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it between your partner’s legs while chewing box.

THE KENTUCKY WHEELBARROW

Do her Doggy style and pull her arms back and give her a little push so her face hits the bed, hence the wheel barrow.

LEAVE-IN CONDITIONER

Dollops of semen strategically left in a woman’s hairdo at a public gathering following fellatio. A good lesson for those who refuse to swallow the evidence

MATCHING DRAPES

Reference to whether or not a woman’s pubic hair color matches the hair on her head. Used in a sentence: “Wow what a hot looking redhead, but I wonder; do the curtains match the drapes?”

MICHIGAN MANGLER

Flatten out your hand and violate a crevice hole.  Your hand flat looks like the State of Michigan.

THE MOOSE

The sign given to a friend in hiding while in doggie style behind some chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by shouting, “Hey Rocky”. (also known as THE BULLWINKLE)

MORNING MIST

Take a shower don’t wipe off your back and let the water role down your crack then fart in her face.

MUNG

Two people dig up the corpse of the recently deceased. One undresses the mungee and places his mouth over the labia. The other backs up and does a running jump onto the corpses chest. The second person has to eat everything that enters his mouth. Insult, seen here in context: “I’m going to mung your grandmother!”

THE MUPPET

When you fist some chick and physically lift her off the ground. (aka MEAT PUPPET)

THE NIXON

A variation of THE MOOSE, in which you give two peace signs as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking jowls and yelling, “I am not a crook”. This is considered very bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.

OVEN STUFFED ROASTER

The unusual method of inserting one’s finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is most effective from behind. (also know as NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK)

PASADENA MUDSLIDE

The act of leaving a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blow job. (A close cousin to the CLEVELAND STEAMER)

PAYING THE RENT

A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs ferociously.

PENCIL SHARPENER

A chick who gives a rough and toothy blowjob that scrapes your willie up something awful.

PEARL NECKLACE

Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl, it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

PINK GLOVE

Frequently happens during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog; thus, the pink glove.

THE PIT STOP

You’ve spent all night boozing and courting a local slob. Now it’s time to go back to her place. Wrap up the chit chat by jamming junior down her throat. When her lips are wrapped good and tight around your meat whistle, let loose with that piss that’s been building for hours. Her look of horror would normally be enough reward, but as she evacuates, her coughing and your continual stream will mark all of your territory, leaving you with even greater satisfaction. You won’t be able to stop; so if she chases you, make sure the pursuit leads you to every corner of her abode. She’ll appreciate your lawn sprinkler imitation.

THE POO FINGER

Stick your finger up your butt and aim at any individual……used jokingly to scare your friends or as a defensive move against an attacker.

THE POPCORN TRICK

A perfect way to break the ice on a first date. A very popular first date is to take your new lady to the movies. Naturally, you will want to buy some popcorn. Try to get the large cardboard tub, but a bag will also work. Quietly cut a hole in the bottom, just big enough to slide one-eyed willie through the bottom. Being the gentleman you are, offer the honey some. Make sure she reaches to the bottom.

PURPLE MUSHROOM

Occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek.  Or you can smack your penis on her forehead.  It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom. (aka THE MUSHROOM STAMP)
THE RAM

You’re attacking from behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those lulls in penile sensitivity.

READING THE DEFENSE

The concept of a guy making a split second decision when in a situation to score with some chick when out without his girlfriend/wife. “Reading the Defense” refers to making all of the proper “game time adjustments as to not get caught cheating later on a some point. Having BEER GOGGLES on makes it very hard to read the defense.

THE REAR ADMIRAL

An absolute blast; done while getting a chick from behind (with both partners standing). Be sure you don’t let her grab onto anything when she is bent over. Then, drive your hips into her backside so that the momentum pushes her forward. The goal is to push her into a wall or table, or have her trip and fall on her face. You attain the status of Admiral when you can push her around the room without crashing into anything and not using your hands to grab onto her hips.

RIMING

The art of exploring the asshole with your tongue. (aka TOSSING THE SALAD)

RUSTY TROMBONE

The process by which a chick is tossing your salad, and then reaches around and gives you a hand job, with your ass lips acting as the mouthpiece, and your johnson as the slide.

SAN DIEGO SURPRISE

The act of bringing a girl home; and while fucking her, having a friend in waiting enter the room naked in hopes of a consensual threesome. Named by Navy guys stationed in San Diego. Rumored to work about one third of the time.

SAMOAN PILE DRIVER

A sexual position that occurs when the woman’s back and bed are perpendicular, but she is upside down. The practitioner of the PILE DRIVER stands above the woman and points his shit due south, simply bending his knees for repeated bludgeoning. This process is repeated while screaming, “ABDAY ABDAY ABDAY, HA!” Repeat and rinse. (aka MANROE TRANSFER)

THE SASQUATCH

A move as of yet unknown in the Northern hemisphere.

THE SCREWNICORN

When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

THE SHOCKER

Putting your index and middle finger in her pussy and your pinky in her butt.

THE SNIPER

As you get the girl from behind, you stand up and set your scope on her bung hole. Sighting the brown gasket in your scope, you fire your finger up her ass. Known to cause the FISH EYE.

THE SOUTHERN TRESPASS

Most frequently occurs when an over zealous (drunk) man is involved in intercourse with his lady friend. Through lack of concentration, lack of coordination, or simply because he wants to do it, the man quickly switches from the woman’s vagina to the corn hole, without missing a beat. If executed properly, this act catches the female by complete surprise, stunning her like a cattle prod to the ass in a rainstorm. No matter how long the man reaps the benefits of his efforts, he can now be content with the fact that he has committed the coveted Southern Trespass.

SHOP-VAC

The act of making a chick inhale your hog from behind while you’re “pulling the V”. (also know as FRUIT BASKET, or SILENCE OF THE LAMBS)

THE SNOWMOBILE

When plugging a girl while she’s on all fours, reach around and sweep out her arms so she falls on her face.

THE STRANGER

Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

TEA BAG

The act of stuffing one’s balls into the mouths of unsuspecting young girls to make them make a “wamuphm” noise.  Also known as squatting down and putting your balls on someone’s face.

THROWING A PICKLE DOWN A HALLWAY

An expression for when you’ve just laid the pipe to some chick (usually fat) who has a big loose box. Used in a sentence: “I may as well have just thrown a pickle down the hallway instead of fucking Fat Fanny’s loose gash.”

TIARA TACO

When your eating a girl out backwards and she orgasms, she loses all control and shits on your head.

TOPEKA DESTROYER

The act of vomiting directly onto your partner’s head while receiving fellatio. (aka COLD LUNCH)

VEGETARIAN HOT LUNCH

A variation upon the aforementioned meal in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with animal product occurs. (aka DENTAL DAM)

THE WINDY CITY RUMBLER

Titty fuck her backwards so your ass is over her face….and let a wet one go.

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