In 1902, the first electric vibrator was patented by the American company Hamilton Beach, making the vibrator the fifth domestic appliance to be electrified following the sewing machine, fan, tea kettle, and toaster. In those days, vibrators were not as much sexual aids as medical devices used to relieve female hysteria; doctors often got tired of manually stimulating patients who suffered from this complication.
Sex toys have come a long way in a century, and yet for all of our advances on the sexual frontier, it’s amazing how many people still rely on household items to give them an orgasmic charge. This happens for a variety of reasons: ignorance, curiosity, convenience, desperation, and experimentation. Even the celebrated father of the sexual revolution, Alfred Kinsey, had a lifelong fetish for stimulating himself by sticking a toothbrush, bristle end first, into his urethra.
Keeping in mind Kinsey and his unflinching scientific look at the strange sexual habits of average Americans, what follows is a look at the top 10 household items used as masturbatory aids. To prevent idiots readers from running to the emergency room with various kitchen utensils lodged in their body cavities, I must emphasize that this list is for novelty as opposed to instructional purposes. For any younger readers, please realize that the majority of vibrational devices are used topically for clitoral stimulation, not for insertion. Also, while I’ve spent some time contemplating the masturbatory habits of Americans, obviously I couldn’t cover every household item that has been involved in a masturbation session, as this would likely constitute the entirety of the Sears catalog.
-Bath Faucet/ Removable Shower Head: Honeymoon Cystitis, a type of urinary tract infection (UTI) for women, is often blamed on excessive and prolonged love making. Another common name for this UTI should be Faucet Infection due to the large number of women who develop these irritations after prolonged pleasure sessions with bathroom fixtures. The most versatile way for women to masturbate with a water spout is with a removable shower head. However, I’ve also witnessed this procedure performed while the woman lies on the bottom of the tub with her legs up and her female abyss lined up directly underneath the strong stream of warm water. To help prevent the dreaded Faucet Infection, it’s recommended that you pee soon after to help flush excess water out of your urinary tract.
-Pool or Hot Tub Jets: We’ve all heard the horror story of the dude who stuffs his flaccid junk into a hot tub jet, turns on the bubbles, then gets stuck making love to the sauna after becoming fully erect. These stories always end with several fire departments and the jaws-of-life working to free the humiliated and broken man. While many men do unfortunately keep sticking their dicks in hot tub jets, these are actually a much more common stimulant for the opposite sex. Women secretly employ the jets in much the same fashion as the shower head in order to reach an even deeper level of relaxation in the sauna.
-Cucumber: I had to include at least one vegetable to balance out the technology. The cucumber has long been a staple of the human sexual appetite despite it’s inability to vibrate. Still, the cucumber has a few things going for it: it’s an exaggerated caricature of a husband’s penis, it’s accessible, and it’s cheap. While I doubt anyone uses cucumbers consistently for masturbatory reasons, it is one of those things that many women, men, and couples try just because you can.
-Stuffed Animals/ Tickle Me Elmos: This one will offend many parents who don’t want to imagine their prepubescent daughters as curious sexual creatures. As a child my wife regularly masturbated by rubbing her stuffed animals between her legs. It was only later that she realized why this activity repeatedly got her in timeout. Then there are the cases where young women who want to experiment with a vibrating stimulus find a new use for their old Tickle Me Elmo doll. Like it or not Tickle Me Elmo introduced a whole generation of girls to the pleasures of battery powered vibrations.
-Baoding Balls/ Chinese Meditation Balls: These chiming baoding balls are intended to be rotated repetitively in the hand to improve manual dexterity and strength. They also promote relaxation as the motion mimics the comforting movement of rolling your testicles in your hands. While men use these balls to relax and improve their masturbatory grip, women often substitute these weighted chimes as Ben Wa Balls after reading about the importance of kegel exercises in the latest issue of Cosmo. They insert these balls into their vaginas like coins in a pinball machine, then clinch their muscles to keep these balls from falling out for as long as possible.
-Electric Toothbrush: Sadly Kinsey wasn’t alive to witness the Sonicare revolution and to modify his fetish with a vibrating toothbrush. It takes little imagination to picture am electric toothbrush as a potential dildo. All that is needed is the removal of the bristle extension and you have a high powered vibrator which can be left charging inconspicuously on your sink counter.
-Exfoliation Machine: This hand-held device is new to beauty care, but I have no doubt it will soon become a secret masturbatory aid for covert diddlers. The waterproof design makes it ideal for use in the shower when you’re already naked and enjoying some relaxing privacy. As the newest weapon in the acne fighting arsenal, teen girls around the world will soon realize the full potential of these drugstore vibrators.
-Vacuum Extensions: I wish this one wasn’t true, but the practice of men humping vacuum cleaners is well documented based on various reports of construction workers caught humping the shop vac or dicks that become permanently crippled after vacuum humping orgies gone wrong. Theoretically I understand the draw of a tubular cavity that sucks air. But to use this tool comfortably would require heavy lubrication, a large nozzle, and a complete lack of caution concerning dick injury or humiliation from someone walking in while the vacuum is roaring. That and I’m too much of a germaphobe to fool around with a piece of equipment used to suck up filth.
-Personal Massager: The personal massager is the granddaddy of household items used for masturbation. A large number of sexual aids are still marketed as personal massagers and many women still buy personal muscle massagers for masturbatory purposes. The most celebrated personal massager on the market is The Hitachi Magic Wand. This heavy duty machine works well for relieving soar muscles or knocking out a much needed orgasm. It is also a staple of the BDSM community, often dangled before a bound woman the way a carrot is dangled in front of a horse. These wands are used less often in porns than dildos as their vibrating heads aren’t meant for insertion. Still I’ve overheard a few porn performers refer to this machine as the Cadillac of vibrators, offering a smooth, powerful, and classy ride.
-Lotion/Baby Oil/ Vaseline/Conditioner/Olive Oil…: If you are wondering why there are so many female masturbatory aids on this list when men clearly masturbate more, it’s because most men are all set with a firm grip and some internet porn. However, when a man does reach for a household product to grease his closed door practices, his product of choice is any slippery substance that won’t burn his skin. Some men spend years tweaking a secret blend of sensual oils, lotions, and creams to make the perfect lube. Others just use the pump action Jergens on the nightstand. Experimental men may go through condiments in the refrigerator while shower-wackers prefer the silky smoothness of conditioner. And yes, in a pinch your man has even used your expensive face cream; Why do you think his penis lacks age lines and has a youthful glow?