Syrian Refugees, Welcome To Canada

Our area is now getting a significant influx of Syrian refugees, and to be completely honest I think this is a great thing. Our country, much like Keith Richards, can only survive with the constant infusion of new blood.

My opinion on this subject may surprise you, but I really believe that humanitarian efforts like this is what makes Canada such a great country. Its what makes us so much better then our idiot cousins to the south who tend to bomb the shit out of places and then, with an utterly confused look on their face, wonder what the hell to do next.

That being said, I do have a few small pointers for all of you new Canadians, to help you acclimatize to your new environment, and enjoy all your new home has to offer.

1. Left lane fast, right lane slow.

2. Baba ganoush is not a cologne.

3. It gets cold here, discover the joy that is thermal underwear.

4. We are not Americans. Thinking so will just get you bodychecked into the boards.

5. We have things here called lines. You stand in them to politely wait your turn to do things. Embrace their use.

6. Sharia Laws mean fuck all here. Take this opportunity to shrug off such nonsense and embrace being your own person. Seriously. Because any religion that says you can’t have bacon is too retarded for words to express.

7. On that note. Yes bacon IS a food group.

8. I’m not sure how ya had it back home, but beating your wife and kids here will only end badly for you.

9. Don’t worry. Curling will eventually make sense.

10. There is more to see here then Toronto. Learn about and explore the most beautiful country on the planet.

11. Also, if you have some unfathomable bout of idiocy, and begin cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs, someone will probably come to your house and pimpslap you. Have some self-respect.

Finally always remember that, as a country, we welcomed you with open arms during what is probably the very worst time of your lives. And we are happy to do it. All we ask is you respect the rules and laws already in place, and always remember those that helped you and pay it forward when the opportunity arises to help someone else.

That’s what it is to be Canadian.

Welcome home.


Just Hang On A Second Retards…..

Lately I seem to have been getting quite a few messages from overly sensitive language Nazis, questioning my use of the word ‘retarded’.

So being as I had a few spare minutes I thought I would take the opportunity to clarify my position on the subject.

When I use the word, my context is simply one of describing an incredibly stupid person or act, not as a comparison to someone with a mental or cognitive disability. Its a condemnation. Its not derogatory.

That’s not the kind of dude I am. The mentally handicapped have never done anything horrible to me. In fact if you take the time to look, they appear to have access to a level of love for others that you and Icouldn’t begin to fathom.

So no. I’m not talking about them.

I’m talking about retards. You know them. You’reprobably related to them. They are fucking everywhere I look. I’ll provide some examples for additional clarity.

– Dumbshits who show blatant aggression towards anyone who in any way makes fun of NASCAR. Huge retards.

– Women who get the shit beat out of them by an abusive asshole, but keep going back to him instead of leaving, or killing him with a shovel. Retards.

– Any religious person who thinks their faith makes more sense then science and rationality, should be wearing a hockey helmet full time they’re so retarded.

– People that generally do things that make you shake your head and wonder exactly what kind of nonsense goes through their heads. Retards everywhere!

So as you can see, my use of the word is both grammatically correct, and factually accurate.

So fuck off and go bother someone else.