Kim Kardashian – Queen Of Weight Loss Dumbassery

A great article shown in its entirety.

I never get tired of this twunt making herself look retarded.

Enjoy.

KIM KARDASHIAN: QUEEN OF CELEBRITY WEIGHT LOSS DUMBASSERY

If you have an Internet connection and poor impulse control, you know why Kim Kardashian is famous. One hint: it’s not for her knowledge of pharmacology. This is why I was surprised to see her on 20/20 talking about QuickTrim diet pills, which she and her sisters endorse. “We helped formulate this,” she said.

Really? And that’s a selling point?

If you want to know how to achieve “celebrity” by leaking a sex tape, Kim is the one to look to. When it comes to the intricacies of sustainable weight loss for the population at large, however, I am suspicious of her qualifications.

Did it the pills work? Not according to those who launched a $5 million lawsuit against the Kardashian clan. But the sisters had those bikini after photos!

Yeah, the ones that were so heavily Photoshopped Kim’s face got vertically stretched out with the rest of her body so she took on a horse-like visage.

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And Kim hasn’t just pushed diet pills. She also flogged Skechers Shape-Ups – the shoes that allegedly burn extra calories and tone your butt. That’s the same Skechers, by the way, that agreed to pay $40 million to settle a class action lawsuit for false advertising.

In the interim, add in multiple quack diets and myriad magazine covers promoting the latest violation of the first law of thermodynamics.

And just this morning, a publicist sent me an email with this image attached.

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What in the holy mother of crap?

Here is part of the marketing pitch from the publicist: “a workout corset like this will support long-term slimming and help you lose inches through the science of compression.”

The science of compression? That makes about as much sense as “the science of Play-Doh.” Brain … hurts …

Wait, there’s more. Here are additional marketing claims from the email, alleging the results are:

Midsection control (Read: “I can’t breathe!”)

Increased thermal activity (Read: “This thing is hotter than a Kevlar vest.”)

Loss of inches reported (Yeah, as long as you’re still wearing it. The instant it comes off everything flops back into its pre-corset place.)

Mobilizes fat cells(BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)

Stimulates perspiration (In case you don’t know what “Increased thermal activity” means.)

Oh, and one of the features of this corset is something called “FlexiBoning.” Does this mean there is a new sex tape in Kim’s future?

Add on top of this the likelihood that doing a non-stop Heimlich maneuver on your internal organs probably isn’t good for you.

I have a feeling that the reason aliens have yet to make contact with us is because they see shit like this and determine that there’s just no intelligent life down here.

 

James S. Fell, CSCS, is an internationally syndicated fitness columnist for the Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times and AskMen.com. He is the author of Lose it Right: A Brutally Honest 3-Stage Program to Help You Get Fit and Lose Weight Without Losing Your Mind, published by Random House Canada

Famewhore – Tim Tebow

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Where do I start?

To be honest I don’t know what irritates me more. The fact that he was a shitty, overhyped football player who hit the NFL and preformed more like a ballarina then a QB, or the whole Jesus nonsense thing.

It is a really close call. Not that he would know what a close call is. It was always pretty evident that he played football as well as I would expect that kid from ‘Deliverence’ would.

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We’ve all seen shitty football players crash and burn before but I truly think it was constantly hearing about his faith that pissed me off the most. Why is that even relevant? Somehow I’m supposed to care that he talks to some non-existant boogyman during a game?

And can this asshat really think that God loves him if he caused him to play so shitty, for such a long time? That sounds a little self abusive. Not that he would know anything about really fun self abuse.

F’n virgin.

Hey Tim, here’s a suggestion. Go fuck like 20 or 30 sluts. Drink, and go on a 3 month meth bender. Marry the first skank that doesn’t give you the clap, and make sure you beat her for no reason. Make sure a surveillence camera catches it as well.

If you do all that I’m sure the Baltimore Ravens will be calling to offer you a job.

 

 

 

Famewhore – Kanye West

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I’ve been waiting to lay into this fucktard.

Never in my life have I known so much, about someone so unremarkable.

Seriously? What has this asshead done?

Irritating music? My 3 year old can do that. And he’s at least interesting to watch

Violent impulse control issues? Wow he’s really breaking the rapper stereotype there isn’t he?

Fuck the only vaguely interesting thing this retard has done was walk into a signpost. I could watch that over and over and it will never get old.

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Seriously bonehead, you’ve aggravated the world enough. Pack up Shamu, I mean your wife, and go away. It’s time you left us in peace now.

And of you could do us one favour? Take her whole irritating fucking famewhore family with you.

Famewhore – Taylor Swift

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It is hard to know where to begin with this one.

There are just so many things to say.

First of all, and this question is directed at the ladies, how can it be such a surprise to this twunt that she gets brutally dumped as much as she does? I’m sure there is atleast one dude out there that will tolerate this kind of drama queen/fame whore/feels way more important then she actually nightmare, but I can’t for the life of me picture the kind of mentally defective person with nonexistant self esteem could tolerate her.

Oh yeah. I’m sure he would have to be blind and deaf too.

Blind because she is so difficult to look at. Deaf because her speaking is equally as intolerable as her singing.

Also, much like other ‘famous for no reason’ fucktards (thats for you Kalevera!) I have chronicled here, she seems as talentless as she is vapid and self-involved.

It was such a perfect storm of famewhoreism when I was forced to watch her and Kanye (a future victim of this blog) fight over a microphone. I think I actually heard a seal of the apocolypse open up.

I guess all we can really do it hope that this fad of gross, manly looking women, that have a singing voice that resembles a cat going through a lawnmower, goes away soon, so this irritating bitch can fade into blessed obscurity.

Famewhore – Robin Thicke

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First off Robin, please accept my most sincere thanks for the most annoying song since “Everybody Have Fun Tonight”.

Now for a while I was having difficulty coming up with the proper adjectives for this turd. Thankfully this fugue state did not last very long.

I am still trying to fathom exactly why someone who has done so little, seems to feel so entitled. I’m sure it has something to do with being a child of privledge, and never actually having had a real job or responsibility of any kind. You know how I know this? Only a person with way too much free time on his hands could have possibly come up with something as pointless and irritating as ‘Blurred Lines’.

And while on the topic of wealthy parents. I think that Alan Thicke owes all Canadians an apology for not having pulled out.

We should all know better. We should be able to recognize when such an attention mongering asshat refuses to fade into obscurity, and force them to go away. But we don’t.

Every time I hear this borderline goober on the radio I find myself trying to knock out my own eardrums with a sharp object. Robin, like his music, is so very intolerable that I wonder if us, the public, aren’t mentally incompetant for allowing him to stay so firmly planted in our conciousness. I guess the real asshole here is us.

 

Famewhore – Justin Bieber

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I’ve been waiting a long time for this post.

So let me begin, as I so often do, by apologizing to the world on behalf of all Canadians, for loosing this asshat on the world. We should all hang our heads in shame.

Justin is the finest example of what I see modern music becoming. Not a person with actual talent, but someone plucked off the street and formed into this marketable image, not by someone who understands music, but by a room full of advertisers looking for a new way to make millions of little girls buy shit they don’t need or want.

It is an ad campaign on a global scale. They create this celebutard, they market it for maximum exposure, and then they start with the small, almost unoticeable product placements.

Justin drinks a Coke, at the behest and payment of the Coca-Cola company, and sales spike. Justin likes a certain brand of clothes, and suddenly it’s a profitable line. The kid is a walking billboard. The unfortunate byproduct is we have to endure his yowling.

And thats not all.

All of this attention, has caused him to develop an appetite for attention. He is no longer content to just be irritating. He’s taken being a fucktard to a whole new level.

The scrawny turd now fancies himself a thug. Seriously. I know houseplants that are more frightening then this dumbass.

I think if it came down to him, and a wet piece of toilet paper in a fight, I’d be laying my money on the Charmin. I mean really, the only thing about this kid that is actually scary is the fact that, unless he does something very retarded (please please please) we are stuck with him for the forseeable future.

Godamn it Old Man Bieber. Why couldn’t you have just settled for a blowjob back in 94 and spared us this?

Famewhore – Billy Ray Cyrus

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Well where to start.

I guess I should start off by stating that the only thing worse then the albums he produces, is the offspring he produces.

Does that just about say it? Nope. I have more.

I love reading all of these quotes by the man as he blames everyone from Disney to Satan himself for the crackwhore prostitute of a Hannah Montana he loosed upon the world.

First of all, isn’t Disney and Satan really the same person?

Second. Billy Ray, YOU were the one that forgot to pull out of your spunk-dumpster of a wife in the back of that pickup truck. Thereby sending millions of your mullet-headed sperm into her, thus creating the spawn you have. YOU are the fucking parent. When YOUR goddamn kids go off the rails it’s up to YOU to pimpslap her and set her straight. Not mine, not the headless ghost of Walt Disney, and certainly not Old Scratch.

YOU.

So quit it already with enjoying the publicity, go find where you lost your achy-breaky ballsack and clean up your fucking mess.

Famewhore – Paris Hilton

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Here we are kids. The grandmother of them all.

She was famous for absolutely no tangible reason before any of us even knew what that was. Born into wealth and privilege none of us will ever know, and has done squat with it.

The Kardashians, those Jersey Shore assheads, Tila Tequila, Heidi Montag, Kanye West, The Osbornes, Taylor Swift and every other irritating fucktard we can’t exactly figure out why we know who they are at all, sprang from her gaping, overused womb.

All that came after her were simply equally shallow, vapid, utterly useless copies of her.

Also, I recently heard she was referring to herself as a DJ.

I almost pissed my pants laughing. She says that like it’s a job. No Paris. It’s not. Being a DJ is what you say you are when you still live at home with Mommy and Daddy and you don’t know how to do anything else. Being a DJ is what the retards that can’t figure out the deep fryer at Burger King do for a living.

Also, don’t you think with all your money you could afford to buy at least one more facial expression? Or a personality?

Famewhore – Nicole Polizzi

First off, people like Clint Eastwood, Meryl Streep or Harrison Ford should be offended when anyone refers to this walking traffic accident as ‘famous’.

The whore part is probably a bit more accurate. Although actual whores should probably be offended too.

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Is there a picture on this earth, aside from the rednecks I poked fun at earlier, that is more trailer trash then this one? They should have sewn up this retards vagina to ensure children never came out of it.

Has anyone asked where she left the child if the stroller is full of beer and diet pop? And another question we should be asking ourselves is why we allowed this twunt on to the television and into our homes in the first place? Aside from being a drunken semen dumpster, what has she accomplished in her life to warrant such attention?

I think we need to set our standards a bit higher from now on. Thats the only way people like this will truly go away.