Just Hang On A Second Retards…..

Lately I seem to have been getting quite a few messages from overly sensitive language Nazis, questioning my use of the word ‘retarded’.

So being as I had a few spare minutes I thought I would take the opportunity to clarify my position on the subject.

When I use the word, my context is simply one of describing an incredibly stupid person or act, not as a comparison to someone with a mental or cognitive disability. Its a condemnation. Its not derogatory.

That’s not the kind of dude I am. The mentally handicapped have never done anything horrible to me. In fact if you take the time to look, they appear to have access to a level of love for others that you and Icouldn’t begin to fathom.

So no. I’m not talking about them.

I’m talking about retards. You know them. You’reprobably related to them. They are fucking everywhere I look. I’ll provide some examples for additional clarity.

– Dumbshits who show blatant aggression towards anyone who in any way makes fun of NASCAR. Huge retards.

– Women who get the shit beat out of them by an abusive asshole, but keep going back to him instead of leaving, or killing him with a shovel. Retards.

– Any religious person who thinks their faith makes more sense then science and rationality, should be wearing a hockey helmet full time they’re so retarded.

– People that generally do things that make you shake your head and wonder exactly what kind of nonsense goes through their heads. Retards everywhere!

So as you can see, my use of the word is both grammatically correct, and factually accurate.

So fuck off and go bother someone else.


Our Retarded Society And Why It Pisses Me Off (And Maybe What To Do About It)

I think I have finally articulated what it is that pisses me off so much about the world around me.

It’s a bunch of things actually, and I will list and define them here, but this moment of clarity by no means came easy.
Our culture here in North America, if one could even use that word to describe it, has allowed itself to become fat, lazy, gleefully stupid, ignorant of actual facts and blindly faithful to even more ignorant religions and faiths. But the biggest issue is our constant subdivision into petulant little groups of people that genuinely, but for no valid reason, vehemently dislike each other.
So listed here are a few things wrong with our present day society. Except I will also include some radically unheard of solutions, just so.you don’t get the impression I’m just some cantankerous prick.
1. We are a society of fat-assed gym slaves.
That’s right. I used that word. Fat. And you know why? Because it’s a perfectly valid descriptive word. I don’t used it as a derogatory term. And i don’t use it to demean. It’s a description. And I’m tired of the whiny segments of our population taking away perfectly valid words cause it hurts their precious little feelings. It’s nonsense.
Either way our bipolar culture these days only seems to have two settings. Obese, or gym slave. Personally I’m neither. I go to the gym, but am no means one of these irritating ass hats that seem to think existence would come to an explosive and tragic end if they couldn’t spend hours punishing themselves to attain some impossible ideal. At the other end of the spectrum I could probably stand to lose 10 or 15 pounds, but am no means at the level of rampant obesity I see around me every day. I’m always amazed when I walk through a mall food court and see a really large, whale-sized human, so large he or she has to remain mobile by employing one of those rascal scooters, sitting at a table with 4 Big Mac containers in front of them. Cause and effect illustrated perfectly.
Can we not go back to the heady old days where there was a healthy middle ground? Do we need to be a nation of extremes? Well I may have the answer. It may seem a bit out there but I’m sure even the most dumbshit among us can wrap our heads around it.
Eat right and exercise at least twice a week.
Sane right? The Obese give up the diet of fast food and utter shit and hit a climber or treadmill once or twice a week. And you gym Nazis can get yourself a sedative and spend a bit more time with family and friends and maybe have a donut on occasion.
2. The dumbasses among us have begun to dictate education.
We have all seen this happen, especially if you have kids.
I’m not sure what my kids do at school all day, but such a volume of homework comes home with them, in grade two, that I’m pretty sure they’re left to their own devices for pretty much the whole day. I seem to be personally responsible for teaching them to read, write, do math and think for themselves. Pretty much everything I’m currently being over-taxed to pay for overpaid teachers to do.
To say nothing of the fact that, no matter how delayed a child is, it’s impossible to hold them back to year. We are doing children no favors by both under-educating them and teaching them it’s impossible to fail.
I could rant about the educational.system all day, but I have way to much to still type.
Either way there is a clear solution for this crisis. Put the Japanese in charge of our education system. We have proven we are too retarded to do it ourselves, and theirs produces the smartest, most articulate and capable students in the entire world. If anyone could fix a system as systemically broken as ours it is them.
3. We have become a lazy welfare state.
I know you saying right now that it’s easy to blame problems on the poor, and I would like to state categorically that is NOT what I’m doing.
Social assistance is a great tool to help those who need it through difficult times. I applaud it’s existance.
However my issue is with the abusers. The lazy shit heels that enjoy the public largesse of this system, without ever giving anything back and without ever trying to improve their situation.
I’m happy that this system is in place to help those who genuinely need it. But every fucking one of you has an example in your head right now of some lazy prick that has no intention of ever getting off of social assistance because it is just too damn easy to sit back, play video games and wait for all that free money to roll in.
Our current system has made it far too easy to take advantage of a system that has become afraid to hold anyone accountable for anything at all.
However I think there may be a way to at least partially fix the problem. It’s not a perfect solution, and probably has flaws that I have not forseen, but could it really be all that worse then the bloated system of waste we have right now?
I say we put a term limit on assistance. Instead of getting it forever we give it to you for a specified period so that you can get your personal.shit together, and then move on. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
Also I think it’s completely reasonable to expect that while on social assistance, that people can be useful to the community. In record numbers social programs such as shelters, soup kitchens, sports programs and youth outreach complain of a dearth of volunteers. How is this possible with this giant resource of people with lots of time in their hands?
I think, as taxpayers, we need to start expecting more for our hard earned money then to see it simply given away, with little to no.prospect of any return.
4. Special interests wield all the power.
We live in an age where the special interest group has more influence in our daily lives then our jobs, friends or even the government. They dictate how we are permitted to speak, what we are allowed to find funny and what segments of our population are more important then the rest of us.
Women, midgets (sorry, little people), albinos, indians (both kinds), Asians, black people, Martians, anyone who isn’t white, children, the handicapped, disabled, cognitively impaired, cross-eyed, lesbian, gays, transgendered, shemales, gay transgendered shemales, people with speech impediments, people with extraordinary amounts of body hair, or with unibrows, assless chaps enthusiasts, smokers, non-smokers, nerds and even crackwhores. They all have an advocate group somewhere.
Basically as long as you’re not a white dude, there is a special interest lobby out there that will fight for your right to party in almost any situation. And will be happy to represent you in the eventual civil lawsuit that will occur if anyone happens to impinge upon your rights, or bruise your easily hurt feelings.
When did we break off into these petulant, angry little tribes?
And when did we as a species forget how to just get the fuck over ourselves?
Unfortunately I have no cure for this, aside from putting every special interest advocate on a big cruise ship, and then sinking that motherfucker in shark infested waters.

I will be periodically updating this post with other points, I’m just too damn tired to go in at the moment.
Please feel free to comment if you have points of your own. I never delete or block thoughtful and reasonable comments.
However if you can’t spell, type in acronyms or ebonics I’ll publicly mock and humiliate you just for being a fucktard.

Don’t You ‘LOL’ Me Motherfucker!

I don’t know about you but I’m getting a little sick of the way this internet proto-speak has viciously wormed it’s way into our daily lives. It is dissolving the ability of our children to speak in coherent sentences, it’s confusing the shit out of the elderly, and it’s eroding the very fabric of our tedious easy to impress civilization.

I’m being serious when I ask exactly how much easier do we need to make life for our youth?

They skate through school with no fear of failure, because we refuse to allow it. We could not bear the thought of bruising their fragile little self images. We will shoehorn even the dimmest child through school regardless of how much information actually sticks, and now we don’t even expect them to be even vaguely literate? This caveman language of stupid acronyms and catchphrases is suddenly sufficient? We are doing our youth a severe disservice by having no expectations of them at all in regards to the development of their intellect.

I think I need to start asking for our money back from this bloated and overpaid educational system in this province.

And the worst offenders I find are tween women between 15 and 28. This demographic doesn’t just type in this nonsense, they actually speak to one another it as well.

Next time you’re at the pub just covertly listen in on a conversation between two women in this age group. It sounds like gibberish, or more precisely between two people who suffer from schizophasia. For everyone wondering what that is it is defined as such,

In the mental health field, schizophasia orword salad is language that is confused and often repetitious, symptomatic of various mental illnesses.[1]

It is usually associated with a manicpresentation of bipolar affective disorderand other symptoms of serious mental illnesses, such as psychosis, includingschizophrenia. It is characterized by an apparently confused usage of words with no apparent meaning or relationship attached to them. In this context, it is considered to be a symptom of a formal thought disorder. In some cases schizophasia can be a sign of asymptomatic schizophrenia; e.g. the question “Why do people believe in God?” could elicit a response consisting of a series of words commonly associated with religion or prayer but strung together with no regard to language rules.

Schizophasia should be contrasted with another symptom of cognitive disruption and cognitive slippage involving certain idiosyncratic arrangements of words. With this symptom, the language may or may not be grammatically correct depending on the severity of the disease and the particular mechanisms which have been impacted by the disease.

The American diagnostic codes, from theDSM-IV, do not specifically code for this disorder although they include it as a symptom under the diagnosis of schizophrenia.[2]

OK it can’t just be me. That pretty much describes perfectly what I hear when these kids blather on in their heavily acronym-laden doublespeak.

So do your part.

Take back the Queen’s English from these bonehead millenials.

Next time someone looks at you and says “LOL!”, punch them in the teeth.

Screw You Oprah Winfrey

Not literally of course.


Anyway my issue today is with that warm, heartfelt Weight Watchers commercial I saw last night.

Now before you get your bingo wings all a-flapping, please understand I have no issue with fat people. With the exception, of course, of fat people that are so angry and upset about how fat they are, that they take that angst out on every person they meet and are just generally a motherfucker to deal with.

Those fuckers piss me off.

Anyway in this commercial she says something I very much disagree with. She states that inside every single fat woman is a thinner person trying to get out.

Now I’m sure in some cases this is true, but we all know that in some cases as well, inside that fat woman is 2 or 3 smaller women that she has captured and eaten. You’ll never hear that little truism on a commercial I don’t think.

So there.

Also as a footnote, if you are offended right now, then you are one of those aforementioned angsty people that needs to lighten up, and love yourself for all the good things about you. Your body is just a shell.

And stop being a dick to people.

Yes Oprah I’m talking to you too.

More American Dumbassery


I’m not sure if I’m man-struating or what, but America, you sure are pissing me off today with your boundless capacity for being back of the short bus shit for brains.

An example.

Who actually puts pen to paper to say something so blindingly retarded?

Talk amongst yourselves.


Jay Aissa Must Be Mentally Retarded

Seriously. He must be.

What kind of blithering moron would be so vehemently AGAINST forward progress in our region?

Only one explanation makes sense. The LRT service, that is about to make life easier for hundreds of thousands of people, is somehow going to hurt Jay’s pocketbook.

Do we actually want someone so self-serving representing our interests? I would say no, because a narcissistic blowhole like this cares only about his own interests.

And this region, after all this time, has had quite enough of that shit.

What Single Men Don’t Know

Before you do anything, go read the funny as hell post by Skinny & Single and TheBipolarManiac here.


And now for my retort. Things single men need to know about the woman they will eventually marry.

1. They do not care who you are, just who they want to make you into.

We all know this, but the ruling matriarch doesn’t like to hear it. How many of your behaviors do you think she will passive-aggressively bleed out of you by withholding sex? Make a list. It’ll probably be a long one.

2. They perpetuate the ‘Dutch Oven’ 92% of the time.

For all the bitching I hear about this, I think I’ve been the victim of this about 10 times more often then not. This stat sounds pretty accurate. Thankfully, at least in my case, I was lucky that all the farts I was subjected to originated in her ass.

3. No anniversary or birthday gift will ever be as awesome as one her girlfriend received that one time.

I could have just as easily called this, ‘Nothing you ever do will be good enough.’ just do your best and hope for indifference instead of outright rage.

I have lots more. Keep an eye out for the next installment.

Is ‘Christian Art’ An Oxymoron?

This is literally one of the most retarded things I have ever seen.



Am I supposed to beleive that Kenny Loggins was not only alive at the inception of the United States constitution, but also had a hand in it’s writing?

And what’s with the robes Kenny? This whole thing is confusing on many levels.

And did you check out all the indicators within the picture that point to an ongoing conspiracy to cover up the existance of time travel technology? And you know who the mastermind is right? It’s that plaid wearing, Norman Rockwell looking dude in the lower left corner. You just KNOW that asshole is up to no good.

And you know when Abraham Lincoln puts on his “I’m going to whup some ass’ face that shit is going wrong in a big way. It’s a good thing he has that modern US Army Ranger standing behind him. Something tells me Trent Lott and Michelle Bachmann are about to get a shoe up the ass.

Discuss amongst yourselves.

Fuck You PRIDEtoberfest

OK OK I get it. The LBGT community just HAS to make EVERYTHING about them. I get it. We are used to it.

But this?


You can’t just celebrate with the rest of us? You have to have YOUR VERY OWN gathering, funded by tax dollars?

I call bullshit.

Not EVERY subdivided subculture requires it’s own festhall.

What’s next? The bisexuals decide they don’t like celebrating with the trannys? So they branch off and have BItoberfest some place else?

But wait, there are factions within that community that don’t like each other so they break off into Don’t-Know-What-They-Want-toberfest and Too-Greedy-To-Pick-A-Hole-toberfest?

Why the constant subdivision? This festival is about all groups coming together for beer and complex carbohydrates, not hiding in their own little corner. And before you start crying all over your Streisand albums, I feel the same way about HipHoptoberfest, Rocktoberfest and Hillbillytoberfest.

So pull up your fucking big boy pants and play with everyone else.

We don’t care what you’re fucking.